Altitude Adjustment

What I am about to write has been a long time coming, but a very recent discussion with Logan - my friend who has never rebelled against his strict Roman Catholic upbringing, had me stumbling over words to articulate how I feel about God, spiritual connections, you get it.

Well, I have contemplated the way in which I know God and have been lately grasping for Something More. I am rounding 30 and moving even further into the Bible Belt soon, and much to my surprise my stubborn atheism is beginning to give way. I seek a rugged, everyday type of deity, not the God of my childhood (I attended First Reformed Church, a Protestant denomination). I seek a God that can provide a compassionate lens through which to view my life -- a split second of serenity between the moment I spill coffee down the front of me and my reaction. I am trying more and more to feel the presence of something more everyday. When I feel that presence, I am calmer and kinder to people, and I move about my day with the assurance that my life has purpose beyond meeting a deadline, paying bills on time, and getting something to eat. The problem is I don't feel it everyday, in fact, I can go weeks without a whisper of spiritual connection.

I am trying to move closer to my God through spiritual practice (ie, exercise). For me, without exercise to calm my mind my life gets rocky. As I understand it for religuous folks, life gets rocky without a Godly connection. It seems that for many, finding God is easier than buttering toast: empty your mind, open your heart, receive God's blessing. Simple but not for me. My life is usually not what anyone would call contemplative. I try to pray, I try to write. I have even taken Tai Chi class, but while everyone else was busy looking inward, I made detailed lists of statistical analyses and other work-related tasks. The only reliable way I have found to calm my mind is through mildly strenuous exercise.

Though I am not what you would call a hard body, when I am sweating it out while climbing a mountain, doing trail maintenance, or rollerblading, the physical exertion can be almost devotional. Sometimes I may look like a gasping weekend athlete, but on the inside, my mind is slowing, the relentless mental chatter quiets down, and sometimes I can get a clear channel to God.

I use the power of the mountains to help refuel and reconnect with God. Since my talk with Logan I have spent time in a state of walking meditation in the majestic San Juan Mtns in New Mexico and on Mount Rogers in Virginia. On these hikes I noticed that for the first mile or 20 minutes, my reflexive mind is grousing. Within 20 minutes though I become absorbed in the physical sensations of breathing and walking, and the postcard-beautiful vistas all around me. It is then that I can plug into the Big Grid. I am strong, healthy, and capable. I clearly see that compared to the massive forces that shaped the surrounding peaks, my life, so precious to me, is frail, fleeting, and insignificant. Instead of viewing each of my daily concerns through a microscope, as I usually do, I begin to see them all through the wrong end of a telescope -- the hundreds or more worries, thoughts, plans I make everyday, reduced to the buzzing of a mosquito. Dear God, as I walk, I open the door and invite you in and you assure me my life is rich with possibility. Logan, I don't need to hunt down God like a set of missing car keys, I need to learn how to apply my lessons on the mountaintops back at lower altitudes.